


How Do You Sleep?

by PastelPrincess96



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Family Dynamics, Spoilers, Trauma, minor differences, non-canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2020-09-26 11:44:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20389156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastelPrincess96/pseuds/PastelPrincess96
Summary: How do you sleep when you lie to me? All that shame and all that danger





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HI! I'm back! Celebrating the new series starting tonight by starting another story, that I've only written one chapter of! It doesn't connect to any of the main storylines that have happened so far, and is in no way related to the new series. Most of the background is the same, except for the main character being another Shelby sibling, and John is still alive. I hope you enjoy, and hopefully this will kickstart me writing again. 
> 
> As always, your feedback is appreciated and any comments you wish to make are more than welcome. Much love to everyone!

**St Abigail’s School for Girls, Sussex **

“As you know from the letters we sent Mr. Shelby, we had a few tense years to begin with. But, considering her upbringing, that was to be expected,” the woman Tommy was following spoke plainly, unbothered that she had just openly insulted him and his family. He nodded along though, hoping the insult would counteract the fact that he had never read any letter the school had sent him. He never saw the need for the correspondence, it was their job to deal with any problem, and what could he have done from Small Heath anyway? 

“The recent years have shown a remarkable improvement. I would go as far as to say she’s now one of our model students,” the woman continued talking, as she led him down yet another never-ending corridor. 

Her words surprised Tommy greatly. He had hoped he was coming home with an average report at best, even that would have been better than the rest of the Shelby’s put together. Well, except Michael, and possibly Ada, although Tommy knew she only liked to think she was better than her name after living in London for so long. A ‘model student’ was much more than Tommy was expecting, especially when he remembered who he had brought here all those years ago. The thought made him apprehensive to see who he would be taking home this afternoon. If she had changed so drastically, how would she fit back into family dynamic again? 

“I apologise again for not being able to keep her here until her 18th Birthday, but we really need the space back for some of the new girls coming before September. And now she’s officially finished, we can’t legally keep her here. I know you’re a busy man Mr. Shelby, but you’re only her legal guardian for a few more months; and the last I heard there was talk of University,” the woman stated. To Tommy’s ears, she sounded more excited than she had any right to be. University was a word the rest of the family barely knew, it was sure to go down like a led balloon if it was ever brought up. 

Before the woman could add anything else to her one-sided conversation, she finally stopped walking. She had brought them before two large mahogany doors, that looked just as heavy as Tommy’s heart felt in that moment. The two brass knobs attached felt more domineering than anything Tommy had faced in years, including his now frequent trips to Parliament. He would rather face unrelenting Politicians than whoever was waiting for him on the other side of these doors. 

Tommy was able to take one deep breath before the woman pushed the doors open, forcing him to step inside. Tommy took the room in for a moment, finding it similar to his study at home. It felt just as luxurious, and ironically just as fake, as his own. His gaze wandered until it reached the one high-back leather chair facing away from him. From there, his gaze got stuck on the top of the head that was peeking out at him, covered in hair that looked incredibly similar to his own. 

“Alice?” Tommy jumped as the women’s who brought him here spoke, he had forgotten all about her. As she spoke, she began to approach the girl in the chair, whilst Tommy’s feet felt frozen to the ground. “Are you ready to go?” the woman asked with a smile, “Mr. Shelby is here to collect you.” Either the girl in the chair did not answer, or she spoke so softly Tommy could not hear her, but before he could register what was happening, the girl in the chair stood up. 

Tommy held his breath as the girl turned around to face him. He averted his eyes away from her face as soon as she turned, he could not bring himself to look into her eyes just yet. Instead, the first thing he took note of were her hands. Whilst one was cradled loosely in a fist, the other was delicately holding onto a book. With her index finger marking the page she was on, the book was turned so Tomy could read the title. Tommy’s instantly recognised the book and the cover, it was the same copy of _Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland_ he had dropped her off with. Based on the tattered look of the spine, Tommy guessed this was not first time she had reread it. A twinge of guilt pierced Tommy at that thought, though he could not explain why. 

Tommy knew he was making the situation more awkward than it needed to be, refusing to look into her eyes, and not even greet her, but something inside was stopping him. In truth, he just did not know what to say, for once. He had spoken to all manner of people over the years, and with his newly attached title, making small talk was an almost daily occurrence to him. But this was different. It was foreign but familiar. The last time he had seen her, she was ten, and did enough talking for the both of them. She could have talked for hours on end, about horses, and playing, and reading. But now, he had no idea what the girl in front of him would want to talk about. She had lived a separate life for the past seven years, alone, independent from the rest of Shelby’s and Small Heath. Another pang of guilt hit Tommy at that thought, though he knew why this time. It felt like the only similarity between now and seven years ago was the book she was holding. 

Tommy knew he had stalled for long enough. He lifted his eyes up, knowing it was time to greet the girl in front of him. However, when their eyes connected, he still found himself at a loss for words. His mind was racing trying to think of something to say. If he could not say something now, how would he cope in drive back to Birmingham? He should have brought John or Arthur, or even little Charlie with him. All three of them would be able to break this silence easily, even just by saying nonsense. Tommy opened his mouth in the hope that some words would fall out, anything would do at this point. 

However, just as he did so, a small smile came across the young girl’s face. For the first time, he noted she had an air of patience around her, a trait he never remembered her possessing before. It felt as though all she was waiting for was for him to finally connect his eyes with hers, because when he did so, she was the one to break the silence. 

“Hello Tommy,” she said in a voice as soft as her smile, something that should have warmed Tommy’s heart, had he not noticed a hard look instantly cross over her eyes. “Long time no see brother.” 

\-   
**Arrow House, Birmingham **

“Why the fuck are we going to all this effort Pol’?” John complained, watching yet another maid flit about the room, cleaning up non-existent mess. He was exhausted just watching them. 

“Yeah,” Arthur piped in from behind the newspaper he was reading, “it’s not like she’ll notice, she’s the messiest of us all.” 

Polly rolled her eyes at her nephews. Alice did use to be the messiest Shelby, but that was when she was ten, and lived in a house full of men. She had spent the last seven years away from them, learning things the rest of Shelby’s could probably never comprehend. Polly knew the girl making her way back with Tommy was not the same one that left with him, and she was not sure the rest of the family understood that. But they had all changed so drastically, how could they not think she had as well? 

“Need I remind you what school she’s been for the past seven years? Don’t you remember Pearl Higgn’s niece going to St. Abigail’s? She only went for a year, and look how she came back. You shouldn’t be expecting the same wild little ten year old to be walking through those doors later,” Polly knew she sounded harsh, but they had to be told. If they had unrealistic expectations for her, they were sure to be disappointed, and these boys could never hide their expressions well. 

Polly heard Arthur snort from the corner, before mumbling, “oh, we all remember how Pearl’s niece turned out,” making Polly roll her eyes. 

“Come on Pol,” John started, “even at ten, she had the most gypsy blood out of all of us. Running around the streets barefoot and filthy. Even Tommy couldn’t stop her most of the time. Do you really think the years could get that out of her?” 

Polly shook her head at John’s naiivity. Despite everything they had seen and experienced, the Shelby boys still held onto hope that their sister would come back to them just as innocent and sweet as when she left. Polly knew better though. Even if she had been in Small Heath, Alice would not have stayed innocent for long, but at least they would have experienced it first-hand and known why. Now though, seven years of mystery stood between them, and who knew what had happened to her in that time? And if Polly knew one thing, she knew the years at that school would have definitely got the gypsy spirit out of her, by whatever means necessary.


	2. Chapter 2

***Alice’s POV***

Whatever I had been expecting to arrive back to, was definitely not the view in front of me. I could not stop my mouth from falling open when Tommy stopped the car in front of an elaborate country house, and declared ‘welcome home’ to me. On the car ride back to Birmingham he had mentioned that things had changed since I had left, but I was not expecting it to be this drastic. Tommy’s house looked more like the school I had just left than any home I pictured him in. I never thought I would see the day the family moved out of Small Heath. When Tommy had mentioned everyone had moved, I had assumed it was to a slightly bigger houses on the outskirts of Small Heath. I never expected anything like this. 

Although Tommy had declared this ‘home’, I was not sure how true that statement was to me. I was so used to not having a real home anymore, I knew I could not view this as any different. It felt more like a halfway house. The setting before either the family shipped me off somewhere else, or I became old enough to move freely by myself. For the time being it was simply a house that I would be staying in. More like a hotel. It probably had the same number of rooms as one. 

Perhaps I was being presumptuous. Maybe I was not even going to be staying here. Tommy could ship me off to live with Polly, or Ada, at a moment’s notice. If he did, I hoped it would be one of them, and not one the boys. I knew it would be uncomfortable living with any of them to begin with, but at least Tommy, Polly and Ada knew when to leave things alone. I remember the others being like dogs with a bone. They never let things go, especially when it came to me, and the situations I used to get myself into. I suppose that was one of the reasons I was sent away to St Abigail’s. 

With a deep breath I finally pushed myself out of the car, having sat staring at the house for far too long. At least Tommy had occupied himself, stepping out the car to finish his cigarette, giving me some time to take it all in. 

Once I stood out of the car, Tommy flicked the ends of his cigarette away and turned to face me, and asked, “Are you ready?” 

I doubted I would ever be truly ready to cross back in the Shelby stronghold, but I knew I could not keep him, or the others, waiting any longer. I nodded my head in reply, and received a nod back. Not very reassuring, but from what I remembered, it was the best I could get from Tommy. 

Without another word, Tommy took off towards the house. Before I followed, I went to retrieve my bags, but before I could reach the car-boot Tommy shouted over his shoulder, “don’t worry, someone will fetch them for you.” 

I felt my face flush in embarrassment, and scurried along behind him. Thankfully Tommy only turned to check I was following him once my cheeks had lost their heat. I hardly needed him knowing just how unprepared I was in this environment. 

\- 

Polly was on me as soon as I walked through the door. She embraced me as if it had only been a week since I last saw her, rather than the seven years it had been. I stood stiff as she hugged me, not having much room even if I wanted to, as she had my arms pinned to my side. After a moment, probably realising I was not making any move to reciprocate her affection, she let go of me. Rather than acknowledging how awkward I must have looked, she carried on, placing her hand on my cheek. 

“Oh Alice,” she whispered, “look at you.” 

I am sure she did not make the comment to make me feel self-conscious, but she did nonetheless. I would rather they looked anywhere else except me. I was not the same little girl who was thrust into a boarding school, and I both did and did not want them to notice that. 

Trying to ease the atmosphere, and myself, I gave Polly a small smile. “Hi Aunt Pol’,” I murmured back, shrugging to try and get her hand off my face. She easily got the hint, and dropped her arm back down to her side. I visibly saw her swallow her emotions, having her niece immediately reject any blatant display of affection must have hurt. But it hurt me more to receive it. It all felt false. 

Being the bigger person, Polly continued as if I still was not stiff as a board, and turned to face the rest of the family in the room. 

“Look boys, hasn’t she grown so much? She’s a real young lady now,” again, I appreciated her trying to ease the atmosphere of the room, but I could not bear everyone looking at me. I could feel all the eyes in the room staring at me, as if I were some rare foreign object, rather than their family. 

As Polly received nothing but silence, I decided to let my eyes finally wander around the room, and see who had actually turned up to greet my arrival. My gaze drifted over several faces, most of which I recognised, but a couple I did not. I obviously remembered the faces of my elder brothers, but the women by their sides were a mystery. There were a few boys sat down at the dining table off to the side of the room, with one of their faces belonging to the brother closest to my age, but the others were strangers. 

There were two little boys sat along with them, who I guessed were somehow nephews of mine, but from which sibling I was not sure. I am sure any answer would have surprised me. Whilst one of them was happily distracted by some colouring in, the other one was staring at me along with the adults in the room. Something about him felt so familiar, with his eyes the same piercing shade of blue as Tommy’s. Tommy had not mentioned any children on the way up, and I never guessed he would have become a father, but perhaps I was mistaken. But if this was his child, why was there no woman standing alongside him, like my other brothers? 

“Well, look what the cat dragged in?” a lilting Irish voice asked, pulling me out of my thoughts, and away from the child. 

“Johnny,” I sighed with relief, as the Irishman approached me. If there was ever a person to break any lingering tension, it was him. I had always felt at home in his presence, as he all but encouraged the gypsy side out of me growing up. I allowed my mouth to form my first smile since entering the house, as Johnny pulled me in for a hug. Unlike with Polly, I returned his embrace easily, revealing in the scent of fresh air and grass that always lingered on his clothes. 

As he let go, my eyes caught the look on Polly’s face, instantly making me feel guilty. I felt bad I had not been as open to her as I was with Johnny, but after the past seven years, it was easier to trust a man I knew had not been part of the decision to send me away. That feeling also drew me to my brother at the table, he had about as much say as me back then, and cried as much as I did when I left. However, unlike with Johnny I could also sense walls had been built between us, whether of our own doing, or from those around us. We barely felt like siblings at this point. 

“It’s good to have you back girl,” Johnny said, slapping me on the back. 

“Thanks, Johnny,” I replied quietly, trying to cover up the wince from how hard he slapped me. He just nodded back at me, missing any expression I gave. 

“I can’t believe it,” he continued, making me uncomfortable again. I was hoping he would pull the rest of the room into the moment, but he seemed content to stare along with the others. 

How could no one sense how awkward I was feeling? Was no one else uncomfortable? 

I scanned my eyes across the room, before landing on Tommy. I tried to convey how I felt with my eyes, and hoped he could still read me as well as when I was a child. 

“Right, let’s not just stare at the girl,” Tommy said, pulling himself off the wall, and next to me again. He clapped his hands together, seemingly bringing everyone out of their trances. “Let’s get some drinks flowing, shall we?” and if his clap did not do it, that certainly did. 

Suddenly the room was in motion, Arthur and John took it upon themselves to get everyone drinks; the boys at the table easily feel into conversation with each other; Tommy pulled Johnny to the side to start a quiet conversation with him; and the women who had stood with my brothers, decided to join Polly and approach me. 

“Hello, I’m Linda, Arthur’s wife,” the woman with tightly pulled back blonde hair got to me first. She held her hand out for me to shake, either not liking contact herself, or recognising the dislike in me. 

“Hi” I replied politely, shaking her hand. She was certainly not who I expected Arthur to marry, especially when I noticed the cross attached to her necklace, sat in the centre of her chest. “Nice to meet you,” I continued, making sure my eyes connected back with hers. A polite introduction had been drilled into our heads at St. Abigail’s, and being caught staring where you should not, was certainly not a part of it. 

“You’re certainly not like your brothers described,” Linda said, almost grimacing as she looked me up and down. 

“Nonsense,” the woman who had been stood by John cut in, “I could see the Romani in her as soon as she walked in.” I did not think it possible, but her accent was almost stronger than Johnny’s, and if her looks did not say, that certainly told me she was of his kin. I felt slighted by her comment, having spent so long trying to cover it up, I could not believe she could sense my heritage straight away. If it was still so blatant after all this time, maybe the governesses had been wrong. 

_‘We’ll get it out of her, whatever it takes.’ _

I nearly shivered at the memory, but was pulled back to the present by John’s wife introducing herself. 

“I’m Esme love, John’s better half,” she said, not going for any formal introduction like Linda, but also straying away from a hug like Polly’s. She instantly made me feel at ease, reminding slightly of Ada. “The rest of our brood is out back, down at the bottom with their cousins.” 

I did not know how to reply, merely nodding along. I did that for the remainder of the conversation, not sure what or how to input myself into the conversation. However, staying silent allowed me to catch up on a few things. All three women took it upon themselves to let me know who everyone was in the room, as well as their connection to the family. Like Michael, the cousin I never knew I had, and the young boys, the children I never thought my siblings would have. 

I appreciated them trying, but eventually the women gave up trying to include me and began talking about matters familiar with them all. Not knowing what to do with myself I continued to stand by Polly’s side. However, I allowed my mind to drift now, thoroughly uninterested with what they were talking about now. 

With my mind distracted I began to let my eyes roam around the room, taking in the guests, but also the extravagance. Arthur and John were still pouring drinks, or refilling the drinks, from the most expensive decanters I had ever seen. They must have been real crystal. And I doubted the liquid in them was any less expensive either. What world had I stumbled back into? Where had all this money come from? From what I remembered, we were just about scraping by on the bets we were fixing at the races. 

Taking in the rest of the room, from the velvet curtains, to the chandelier taking up half the ceiling, I knew the Shelby’s had to be doing well for themselves; but from what I had no idea. When my eyes flitted back to Tommy still whispering to Johnny, I had an idea I did not want to know.


End file.
